Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
