i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
