I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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