i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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