How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
