im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize