I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
