when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
