no. you can't hotbox the world.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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