Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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