the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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