when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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