Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
