He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
bring money and cleavage
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
