I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
PANTIES FOUND
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