Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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