she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
