I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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