allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
