dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize