Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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