I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
