I heard we made out
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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