Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
