And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
