Welp...herpes.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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