Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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