Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
