No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
