dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
