whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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