enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
