so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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