Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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