My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
