Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
