Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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