i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
