Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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