hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize