I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
