You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
