I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize