i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
