BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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