Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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