His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
