The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
