If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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