Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Don't make out with my wife yet
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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