There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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