I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
