I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
