My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
