Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
