I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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