There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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