I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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