I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
