I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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