i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
