So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize