Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
