he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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