So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
