and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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