Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
