Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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