Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
