fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
