You smell like a Billy Joel song
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The best revenge is premature balding
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
