he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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